Honest Thoughts During a Sad Time

Well..I lied.

This isn't going to be a funny post.

It's not even going to be about what I've been up to.

This is your *WARNING*

This post may be sad. okay ready?




I'm going to talk about the memorial service I went to Thursday and the feelings I had afterwards and the feelings I had during it. This post will be brief so it won't be overly depressing ok? This summer a guy at my college named Ben passed away to be with the Lord. He wasn't a guy I knew very well, but we did have one class together where I often giggled at the sight of him dozing off in class. And we did live in the same building and he was in my graduating class. He seemed to be extremely friendly and always smiled at me and gave a friendly nod. But this post is about more than that..it's really about the people that get left behind when someone dies and the feelings I had while I was sitting there.

Thursday night was a healing moment for a lot of people..it was a night for people to say their goodbyes and to remember the good times they had. For me it was a time to wish I had gotten to know him better, because he seemed like such a nice guy and a time for regret because of it, and I also thought about my boyfriend, Adam's friend Thomas who was good friends with Ben and how sad he must be. And he was even in a few pictures with Ben in the slideshow I saw. Then I remember the look on Ben's mom's face and the honest words she spoke about giving up all the good that has come through Ben's passing way just to spend one more day with him. And it's one of those things where you arent shocked or thinking how bad that is to say, because all I could think was..how true that probably is. How true that would be for me if I had a child who died, or if a family member died. I also got to thinking about how parents never expect to outlive a child- because their child should be able to have a full life and have years of life left even after their parents are gone. I also was thinking about all the people I have lost in my life- and how I wish I could have one more day. How I wish my Mootzer was still here so I could hear her call me lovey. I thought about my Grandpap that I never even got to meet..the one that fascinates me when I hear stories. I thought about Pap-Pap who died when I was three and I wished he was here to see me all grown up. I thought about how I wished I knew what it was like to have a grandfather. I thought about my cousin, Mickey who died when I was 5 from complications of having Muscular Dystrophy, and how I wish I hadnt been afraid of him when I was little. I thought about our former neighbors who lost two sons in two different car accidents. I thought about how my only grandparent left- my grandma was so far gone that she might soon forget me and how sad it was to watch her detoriate. For these reasons, and for Ben's mom and dad, I cried. How can someone so young be gone? Someone my age? How is that possible? Part of me thinks that sometimes God takes people that are close followers of His, a steadfast disciple because He thinks they shouldnt have to suffer in this world sort of like Enoch. They follow so closely with God-that instead of leaving them on this sinful world-He takes them home to be with Him- although unlike Enoch-they die. I mean maybe I'm off my rocker and I obviously didn't know Ben well enough to make that assumption, but just maybe that could be it. Regardless, God always has a reason- always a plan- and love is intertwined with that plan. May I remember that in personal times of sorrow.

Who writes,
Stefanie

P.S. I will try very hard to be funny next time! :)